[Radio scan]
Male voice: WYSN - Come in.
[Static]
Female voice: “--and they are certainly not what the media is going to paint them out to be…”
[Static]
Male voice: “Yes, I need to report an anonymous tip –”[Static burst] (Backmasked) “
[Opening theme]
Narrator: “Thank you for joining us, we’re now live on the air from our station in Plane 00023 Prime Alpha, and you are hearing us in a language you understand courtesy of Speedy Saraswati’s Telepathic Translation Services!”
[Intro music]
Elroy: Welcome to Infinity Hour! We’re back at long last with the unsurpassed cast dropping hard and fast facts, giving you the best and worst of the diverse multiverse. I’m Elroy G. Biv.
Kay: And I’m Kay Werty. We’ve got a great show in store for you this week. We’ll be talking to the Supreme Chancellor of Trippe-91 about the exciting new trade deal they signed with the Alliance, and how they’re hoping to change their peoples’ lives for the better with the wonderful products and services of The Infinity Corporation! We’ll also be hearing from Infinity Hour correspondent Nescient Ned Neptune about the future plans of the Feroxi, and finally introducing you to a group that has helped thousands actualize their dreams - you could be next!
But first…
Elroy & Kay: REALITY REPORT!
Elroy: [Over puppies barking in background.] Our heartwarming first story takes us to Decipio-161, where a sky-darkening legion of adorable little – [interrupted by insistent high-alert phone ringing]. What’s this? [Mutters under breath.]
[Breaking news music]
This just in - breaking news coming to you live from Lyria-5 at the edge of Alliance territory, where we’ve gotten word a massive explosion has torn through an Infinity Corporation warehouse. Updates are still coming in, but initial reports indicate that thousands of credits worth of invaluable Infinity Corporation products were destroyed in the blast. Investigation is underway as to the cause of the explosion but Lyrian authorities have stated that it may have been a bomb.
Kay: I’m in complete disbelief. I think all of us in the studio are. We’re watching a live video feed from above Lyria, showing smoke pouring out of a hole in the building, and – [gasps] Oh my [God], what’s that?
Elroy: I think that was one of the warehouse workers.
Kay: [With a sigh of relief] Oh, okay. I thought we were seeing one of the new Gratification Gauge Gamma units plummeting hundreds of feet while on fire.
Elroy: Thankfully not in this case, though there’s not yet any word as to whether or not the Loss Prevention team has been able to secure the vulnerable product in the facility – [beeping noise] Wait. I’m getting a notification that our sales correspondent Bob was nearby at negotiations with Alliance Leadership, and is on-scene with an update for us. Let’s hand it over to him now.
—
Bob: Thanks, Elroy. Bob with the Infinity Corporation here. Now, normally it’s my job to tell you all about the great offers that we have available and what they can do for you, your friends, and your family. But I’m afraid my duty today is a bit more solemn. As our hosts mentioned, an awful tragedy has occurred at our processing facility on Lyria-5. We’re learning now that thousands of Infinity Corporation products, awaiting distribution to anxious customers, were incinerated in a wanton act of destruction by violent criminals. In those packages were countless hours of loving labor by our valued team members - the result of countless sleepless nights and weekends by our engineers, of assembly line technicians’ 14-hour shifts and repetitive motion injuries, all the way up to the guidance and oversight of our chief executive James Lange. What was destroyed was no less than the fruits of our collective labor, our gifts to the world. We will rebuild our facility, we will reinstate our team members to their positions, we will keep moving forward - but we will never replace everything that has been lost.
I’m not here to deliver only gloom and doom, though. We at the Infinity Corporation want to extend our heartfelt thanks to the Alliance High Council and Armed Forces, who have not only assured us they will put forward their best efforts to investigate this act of terrorism and track down the culprits, but who have also been instrumental in opening up the way for us to bring our revolutionary products and services to countless peoples, planets, and societies throughout the multiverse. Here’s to another quintillion years of partnership, profit, and progress. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program - and thanks for choosing The Infinity Corporation.
–
Kay: Thousands of units lost… sounds like it’s worse than we imagined. Word still hasn’t come in about the safety of our team members, but we’ll be sure to keep everyone posted. Thank you, Bob. Now, let’s move on to our highly anticipated interview with Appelius, supreme chancellor of Trippe-91. Renowned for xir’s commitment to upholding law and order, and boasting a 90% reduction in crime since replacing the former president 23 solar cycles ago, Chancellor Appelius–
[Voice becomes distorted, burst of static.]
[Dark music - Discordian Society theme]
Anonymous Discordian: [W/ voice distortion] Greetings. Our apologies for interrupting the broadcast, but we have an important message to deliver. We are the League of Dynamic Discord, a group of Discordians who stand opposed to the Infinity Corporation’s oppressive and destructive practices. For too long they have forced populations into servitude to manufacture their products, and colluded with governments across the multiverse to profit at the expense of their citizens’ freedom and wellbeing. For too long they have covertly funded instability and war to increase their own bottom line, their collaboration with the tyrannical Alliance being only the latest example. Therefore, standing in solidarity with the Feroxi Republic, against the imperialist aggression of the Alliance and the Infinity Corporation, we claim responsibility for the attack on the Lyria-5 warehouse, and declare a people’s war against all rulers - corporate executives and politicians alike - in the name of freedom and chaos, and under the watchful eye of our Goddess. This is not a threat, it is a promise. Hail Eris, all hail Discordia. We will be--
[Burst of static, radio tuning]
Kay: [whispering tensely] I'm trying, what do you-- oh, we got it.
Elroy: [clearing throat, irritated] And we're back. Apologies for the technical difficulties. Our teams are already looking into what went wrong. [Tramping boots in background.] With that said, we return now to Kay's discussion with Supreme Chancellor Appelius of Trippe-91.
Kay: [Distracted] Right. Thanks Elroy. As I was saying, er, Chancellor Appelius has, by any measure, increased the quality of life on Trippe-91 and we're here to talk with xir about how xe accomplished it. Welcome on the show Chancellor.
Appelius: [Aloof & stately] Thank you. It's good to be here.
Kay: The whole galaxy is abuzz about what commentators are calling "The Miracle of Trippe-91." Since you took the reigns from the last president, crime and unemployment have been all but eliminated. The streets are clean and beautiful. The Trippeans are strong and radiant. So, we'll start with the question on everyone's mind- how did you do it?
Appelius: Well, it was actually rather easy, despite the unacceptable situation the former president had allowed to occur. There was trash everywhere, disease everywhere. Unemployment was terribly high. Our own citizens - proud Trippeans - lived on the streets while factories ran on automation and cheap labor from other systems The administration of Zahra was perfectly content to allow this to occur, handing out dwindling resources to stowaways who had just crawled, unapproved, out of the cargo ships from Varange Prime. After one particularly large influx of them, my Party and I decided that enough was enough. We were not going to stand by while our world was lost. We knew what had to be done, it was simply a matter of having the chakzi to follow through. After the transfer of power to our new administration, during which your company graciously provided logistical consulting, we set about using our security forces to simply solve the problems. We swept the streets of the vagabonds and stowaways, and prohibited sleeping or residing in public places. We mandated pre-emptive treatment measures for the most common pathogens and sterilized those most susceptible to disorders.
Kay: Mhm.
Appelius: And finally, we provided jobs for all remaining citizens at the newly constructed Infinity Corporation satellite facility in orbit around the planet. Because they live on site, we've been able to transform a large amount of previously occupied residential space into locations of cultural value - parks, museums, monuments to great Trippeans past. With the assistance of our new allies in the Alliance, our planet is more secure and beautiful than it has ever been in our history.
Kay: That sounds amazing, chancellor. I want to let our listeners know a little bit more about the facility you mention. This is a highly specialized complex designed to manufacture an incredibly exciting new product line we'll be announcing soon. I wish I could talk about it, but I can't. What I can tell you about is the amenities provided to the Trippean team members who work there. As Chancellor Appelius stated, they live on site in spacious company housing, and are provided 2 gourmet meals every day. Recreation facilities are also available free of charge. Our team members are permitted a trip to the surface once every penta-cycle and are given a stipend to travel with. Beyond that, everything is provided for them and they don't even need currency - no troublesome bills or debts. It's been a resounding success and our productivity is through the roof. I'm so looking forward to announcing the product line that's coming out of this cooperation between Chancellor Appelius, the National Trippean Protectors party, and the Infinity Corporation. Anything you'd like to end with Chancellor?
Appelius: Simply that your listeners should come visit our beautiful planet - simply check to ensure that you and your fellow travelers are authorized and apply for a permit.
Kay: You heard xir, folks. Back to you, Elroy.
---
Elroy: Great stuff, you two. Great stuff. Enjoy the scenery, Kay. You'll have to tell me all about it when you get back.
Kay: I'm back.
Elroy: And how was it?
Kay: Beautiful. There were some lovely Varange artifacts on display at the Epsilon Quadrant History and Art Museum.
Elroy: I can't wait to visit myself. Okay folks, next up is Nescient Ned Neptune to tell us what we can expect out of the Feroxi horde going forward. What are we looking at, Ned?
Ned: Well look here, Roy. This attack on the warehouse was clearly masterminded by the Feroxi. This League of Dynamite Discord or whatchamacallit might be the front organization, but this has the tentacle-sucker-prints of the Feroxi horde all over it. Look, this is a preparation for something greater. We're gonna see a major offensive on Lyria-5. Cities turned to ash. Countless warehouses and millions of products destroyed. They're gonna take the children and make em into slaves. Zombie slaves. It's what they do. Alright? Don't underestimate them folks. They may be slimy, dirty, rotten, and tyrannical, but they're smart. They're devious. We've got to be ready. And that's Nescient Ned Neptune's inside scoop. Back to you.
Kay: Food for thought. [Transition music] And now we turn to the group that has been helping millions across the Multiverse make their dreams into reality. Their mission is to take lowly, limited, woeful little entities and teach them to take control over their own destinies, using powers that are within everyone’s grasp - if only we would learn to reach out and take them. Let’s take a look. [Intro jingle, quiet conversation in background*] The Plenary Potential Project is a rising self-empowerment organization that aims to help every sentient being in existence be the best it can be, to attain its full potentiality. With me today is Doti, a Diamond Tier Growth Guru and instructor with the Project. Doti, welcome to the show.
Doti: It's wonderful to be here, Kay. Brilliance and bliss to you.
Kay: Thank you. That means so much.
Doti: You're welcome.
Kay: So. Everyone at the Infinity Corporation offices is talking about The Plenary Potential Project. The associates who go on your retreats are shooting up the promotion ladder. Managers are paying for whole departments to attend your courses. I have to ask- what's got everyone so excited? What is the appeal?
Doti: Well, Kay, our workshops are popular because they utilize cutting edge and innovative techniques to help the attendees reach deep inside themselves with introspection and grasp the power that all of us hold within. We provide revolutionary new perspectives on learning from the past and integrating new experiences. Ultimately as they progress through our program, our leaders - that's what we call our students, because every single one of them is a future leader - become happier and get better at everything.
Kay: That's fascinating! I don't expect you to reveal everything in the short amount of time we have, but can you give us the FiniteNotes version of how it works?
Doti: Certainly. You see, we live in a reality with infinite dimensions, layered on top of each other like mirrors reflecting to… infinity.
Kay: Hey!
Doti: Ha ha. So within each of those realities are different versions of ourselves. What our courses teach is how to move from being a lower version of yourself to a higher, more advanced version, that is more joyful, and also more skilled at a greater number of tasks.
Kay: Mhmm. Ive heard a couple of guys from the office mention that it wasn't all fun and games, though.
Doti: No, I'm afraid not. Leaving your less advanced self behind isn't all rainbows and butterflies. In order to ascend, we must destroy the ego of our less evolved selves through a process we refer to as "Vibrational impairment." I'm sure you've heard about releasing containers of feces on the heads of our leaders' vessels, or delivering strong kicks to their genital regions. However, vibrational impairment also involves other, less glamorous but equally important methods such as group verbal derision and sleep prevention - after all, you have to truly stay awake, in every sense of the word!
Kay: Of course. Anyone who expects the path to perfection to be easy is kidding themselves. There's no two ways about it- you want success, you have to put in the work.
Doti: Exactly right, Kay.
Kay: And there you have it, everyone. Reserve your spot in a Plenary Potential Project leadership course today. And if it seems expensive, just remember, when you apply what you learn to climb the ladder, close that deal, get that promotion- it'll pay for itself in no time at all. And beyond the introductory class they have more advanced workshops, for those who really want to improve themselves and be the best they can be. Group discounts are available for company outings. Contact the Plenary Potential Project today.
[PPP music outro]
Elroy: You know, a buddy of mine went through the Project course. Couldn't stop talking about it. Said it was the best decision he'd ever made.
Kay: It's easy to see why!
Elroy: And that wraps up our show for todaynight. Tune in next time for the latest surreally sensational scoops, as well as updates on our currently developing explosive investigation into the vile and cowardly attack on our shipping center. Keep enjoying your existence endlessly adrift in interminable eternity, and remember…
Kay & Elroy: STAY INFINITE!