[Radio scan]
[Music, voices heavily distorted]
“--have been willing to deploy psychological operations on their citizenry; this is technology designed for offshore combat, for psy-ops or psy-war combat—”
“--that he may have had in mind that which I speak of as the lateral axis of overlapping realms which contain among them a spectrum of aspects ranging from the unspeakably malignant to the beautiful.”
“-Whether you’re a bank, regulator, consumer, business, is that the currency system can be more efficient, it can be more inclusive, and it can be fairer. The big question is how do we achieve that, and–”
“--the man I called brother in law, I think he was…close to it, if not at the very center.”
Narrator: “Thank you for joining us, we’re now live on the air from our station in Plane 00023 Prime Alpha, and you are hearing us in a language you understand courtesy of Speedy Saraswati’s Telepathic Translation Services!”
Elroy: Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to Infinity Hour, the quantum cast covering the future and the past, the multiversal media marvel melting minds across time, expounding illuminating insights in the eternal ever-present present. I’m Elroy G. Biv.
Kay: And I’m Kay Werty. We also have the wonderful Bob Dobbs, Osmium-level Infinity Corporation Sales Rep, with us to discuss some of our top-of-the-line, razor-sharp cutting edge products and what they can do for YOU. (Bob waves) And folks, if you have any interest at all in climbing the ranks of the Infinity Corporation Fractal Network Marketing program, you better listen real closely to Bob here. He’s a shark on the sales floor. And I’m not talking about a shark that’s flopping around on the ground suffocating. I’m talking about a shark that can somehow breathe air, or maybe one that has a water tank over its head and gills, and also mechanical legs so it can walk around on land and run after its prey.
Elroy: If it had a water tank over its head it couldn’t attack the prey. Its mouth would be behind the glass.
Kay: Okay, so the mechanical legs also have a gun attached to them that it can use to shoot the prey, and then it can drag it back into the water to eat later once the helmet’s off.
Elroy: This sounds like it would make a fantastic product. It’ll change sharking across all the oceans of the galaxy. I’ll put in a word to R&D so they can get started on the patent application.
Kay: Absolutely. Well, folks, before we dive in, The Infinity Corporation just wants to start off with a quick land acknowledgment - we are producing this broadcast on the former ancestral lands of the species Homo sapiens, who tragically- (Elroy leans over and whispers in Kay’s ear). Er, sorry. Got my timelines mixed up. That’s a few years down the road yet. At any rate, we’ve got a great show for you today. We’ll be reviewing a brand new cosmic cafe, going over some exotic extradimensional excursions, talking with our tenacious and courageous combat correspondent Nescient Ned Neptune, and exploring some exciting new gadgets! Really looking forward to diving in - Right after these messages.
[Commercial music]
Bob: Tell me if this sounds familiar. There you are, at a meeting, or having beers with a friend. Someone comes up with a fantastic idea. Just phenomenal. World changing. They look to you for approval. You give them two thumbs up. But two thumbs just aren't enough thumbs to effectively communicate how good this idea is. You start putting your thumbs down and then back up again, rapidly, in order to communicate multiple thumbs up, but instead, your colleague just thinks you’re uncertain about the idea and are changing your mind about whether you like it. You can see his smile slipping; he’s on the brink of giving up on his revolutionary idea and spiraling into despair. What you need are Disposable Thumbs, from The Infinity Corporation! When you give yourself Disposable Thumbs, suddenly the level of your approval is very clear. Is it a 5 thumbs up idea? A 23 thumbs up idea? The sky's the limit! Just tear at the tab on the EZ-open plastic packaging (now green-friendly, using 0.23% less plastic), pull out your new thumb, and stick it somewhere - anywhere - on your bare skin! You want thumbs lining your forearm? You got it. Protruding from your forehead? Sure thing. Growing out of your ears? Hey, it’s your body. Evolution gave you Opposable Thumbs, now we’re giving you Disposable Thumbs! Disposable Thumbs from Infinity Labs: Infinite Thumbs Up.
Elroy: Welcome back to Infinity Hour. First up is a very special edition of Treats, Eats, and Supertemporal Sweets. Kay and I were able to get our hands on press passes to the highly anticipated grand opening of the the Cosmic Consciousness Qualia Cafe just off the Quantum Foam Freeway between Universes 00023 Prime Alpha and 00161 gamma theta, and we're bringing you its first ever review. So, how'd they do? Let's dig in.
Kay: Let's start with: atmosphere. ⅘ stars. The section Elroy and I were seated in contained the necessary mixtures of oxygen and nitrogen in the correct ratios. Halfway through our meal a little bit of sulfur dioxide from the Vesuvians' seating next door leaked through and caused just a liiiiittle bit of a coughing and vomiting fit. Nothing a quick application of Infinity Labs Stellar-grade Super Sealant won't fix.
Elroy: Absolutely. Now, on to drinks. I started off with a Panpsychist Pale Ale - right off the tap and so freshly brewed I could hear the tiny, pained screams of the molecules as they dissolved on my tongue. Nice, fractal frothy godhead on it as well.
Kay: Good stuff. I was really craving a Fnord Cola but I figured I should get one of their specialty cocktails, so I opted for a Manhattan Project. And let me tell you, I got my money’s worth. They did not go light on the Uranium-235. I was practically glowing by the end of my first round. We’re rating drinks 5/5.
Elroy: As far as the entrees - our meals showed up very quickly. Presentation was top notch. My Angel Food cake still had the halo tastefully attached, while the wings were served on the side with a generous helping of Diablo sauce.
Kay: I got the Pi. Irrationally good. And all you can eat as well. They just keep it coming. So we’ve got to rate the main course 5/5 as well.
Elroy: Last but not least - dessert! We both got the Eyes Scream. Jelly-filled, as you might expect. And loud. The wails were pleasantly blood-curdling. I had blue-iris blueberry. Kay went with Hazel Hazelnut. 4.5/5.
Kay: And now, our overall score… drumroll, please… (Kay, Elroy, and Bob drum on table). 4.625/5! That’ll earn the Cosmic Consciousness Qualia Cafe a place in our Amazing Up and Coming Eats list, just below Plato’s Pizza Cave - Plato’s: All other restaurants are just a shadow of what we offer!
Elroy: Coming up next: this arbitrary temporal division’s Extraordinary Extradimensional Excursions. After a quick message from our sponsor.
[Transition music]
[Sad piano music]
Bob: Plants. They’re beautiful. They’re green. Usually. Sometimes they have flowers, and they smell good. They add personality, color, and life to otherwise drab environments. But- plants need water. And unlike a cat, which can meow to remind you to feed it, or a dog, which can whine to remind you to feed it, or rat, which can squeak to remind you to feed it, a plant can’t make sounds. No matter how desperately it needs water, a plant will just quietly and patiently sit there until it dies. And then you feel guilty about it. “Plants can’t suffer,” you tell yourself. “They can’t feel pain. They have no self-awareness.” But deep down, you know that you can’t really be sure of that, and you imagine the poor plant, unable to communicate, trapped within its green, leafy prison, slowly withering and dying. So you decide- that’s it, I’m never getting another plant again. I can’t be trusted with their little lives. I’m a murderer, a murderer through neglect.
[Music transitions to uplifting]
Well, you can stop that self-flagellation, put a smile on your face, and once again become a proud plant parent with The Infinity Corporation’s brand new botanical beauties - Forget Me Nots, the plants that remind you to water them! Brainstormed and built by our most brilliant bioengineers, Forget-Me-Nots come with a vast variety of gorgeous flowers, and will never let their needs slip your mind. You can even choose the voice that they use to communicate with you! Try out Brooklyn Billy! (In exaggerated Brooklyn accent) “Ey, ey, ey! I see you about to walk past my pot! I need some water here, jabroni! I could use a transplant too while you’re at it! My roots are gettin’ all squeezed!” Or maybe you’d prefer Poor English Orphan? (In timid, small English accent) “Please sir? May I have some more water? And p-p-perhaps… some fertilizer too, sir?” Then there’s the Chlorophyll Cowboy: (in southwestern cowboy voice) “Well, howdy there pardner, I’m feelin’ a bit parched. If you could draw up some water from the river and pour it round my roots I’d be mighty grateful. Much obliged, amigo.” And so, so many more! So next time you’re considering buying some flowers for your significant other, but you know they're no green thumb and you don't want to saddle them with the inevitable guilt of killing their plants, buy them a bouquet of Forget Me Nots! Available now.
(More quietly) The Infinity Corporation is not responsible for injuries resulting from flower bites or for psychological distress due to loss of sleep from a chorus of screaming plants.
[transition]
Elroy: And we’re back with Extraordinary Extradimensional Excursions, where we shine the spotlight on one of The Infinity Corporation’s ten googolplex private dimensions open for bookings through our TimeLine Share getaway program! Previously, we’ve visited such exotic destinations as the Ice Cream Dimension and the Orgasmic-Euphoria-Inducing-Air dimension.
Kay: Now that one was tough to leave.
Elroy: This time, we took a vacation to the Music Dimension. Now the first thing to say about the Music Dimension, the residents were very chord-ial. Once we got there, we took a quick rest before settling in at the Requiem Resort and getting our key. The bar was great - I had a Gin and Pentatonic - and the Staff was amazing. Anytime we needed something they told us it was no treble at all. And really the whole aria was just lovely.
Kay: Using the Requiem Resort as our sort of home bass, we waltzed on over to the beach to see the beautiful Middle C and take a swim in the sound waves.
Elroy: From there, we hopped on the Adagio Express over to the Digeridoo-niverse. Now let me tell you, that experience was deep. See, in the Didgeridoo-niverse you don’t actually move. You just sort of vibrate from one body to the next.
Kay: It gives you one hell of a buzz.
Elroy: After our experience in the Didgeridoo-niverse, which left us both breathless, we spun over to Rubato Range to scale Mount Mezzo, and even though climbing isn’t really either of our forte we had a great time. After a minuet at the top, we finally made the descent back to bass.
Kay: On the way back down we did, tragically find a frozen body… and I’d be a lyre if I told you we didn’t lute the corpse. (Elroy looks horrified, stomps foot under table) AHH! Just… joking… heh. (Quietly, chuckling nervously) We threw him off a clef.
Elroy: All in all, great value Forza experience.
Kay: To find out how you can tune in to the Music Dimension, contact The Infinity Corporation and ask about our TimelineShare program today!
[Transition music]
Elroy: Next up - have with us a returning guest, and it’s always great to speak with him. He’s an independent journalist who hosts one of the highest-rated shows across 32 galaxy clusters on the Infinity News Network; he’s been out at the front lines of the Alliance-Feroxi war, covered the invasion of Dolus and the League of Dynamic Discord’s despicable bombing attack on the Lyria-5 Warehouse; he’s also a tireless advocate for security, awareness, and vigilance against the threats of the Feroxi horde, and an entrepreneur providing quality survival gear to Alliance families in need of protection. Please put your hands together everyone, and welcome Nescient Ned Neptune to The Infinity Hour!
[Nescient Ned intro music]
(Nescient Ned pops up from under the table. He’s Bob, but wearing a cowboy hat and bolo tie. He waves, but he looks gruff.)
Ned: Thank you Elroy. Pleasure to be back.
Kay: So, Ned, since the bombing of the Lyria-5 warehouse by the violent, hateful, anti-consumer terrorists in the League of Dynamic Discord that cost The Infinity Corporation billions of credits in potentially life-saving products, we’ve seen the Feroxi actually attack the Erisian system, where the League of Dynamic Discord is thought to be based. There are even some reports that the League has engaged in defensive fighting against the Feroxi. What do you make of that?
Ned: Well, Kay, that’s a great question. And the answer is that it’s the DAMNED FEROXI who carried out the terrorist attack, and they blamed it on the League of Dynamic Discord, and now they’re attacking the League to cover it up! Do you think any Alliance citizen, living in any one of our 23 million systems, enjoying the freedoms and the benefits we have, would actually attack an Infinity Corporation factory? They’re one of our biggest producers! They provide honest work to millions of children! Their emissions keep the surrounding areas warm and toasty, and provide a layer of protective smog that shields against foreign surveillance! No, the idea that one of our own would attack the factory just doesn’t make any sense, and look, I tell you what - any so-called “news” pushing that narrative is insulting the intelligence of you, and me, and Alliance citizens everywhere!
(Kay and Elroy nodding seriously)
Elroy: Now in your expert opinion, Ned, what do you think we can expect next from the Feroxi?
Ned: Well, Elroy, taking all the variables into consideration, I believe that the Feroxi will soon be INVADING THE ALLIANCE CORE and BARBECUING CHILDREN ALIVE! They're coming for our kids, folks! The poor, defenseless children will be kidnapped from their beds, from their homes, from their places on the assembly lines by the Feroxi menace if we don't act now! Get those Infinity Labs weapons factories fired up. Grow the economy instead of shrink it, for once. Automatic and mandatory Alliance Armed Forces recruitment for all our young men - it'll do ‘em good. Toughen ‘em up. Counter all the chemicals that the Feroxi are pumping into our water to weaken them and make them servile. Teach them some respect for authority.
Kay: Right. Absolutely. So, I think one of the big questions on everyone’s mind is, what can everyday Alliance citizens do to protect themselves and prepare?
Ned: Great question, as always. So, the first thing you’re going to want to do is buy yourself some Ned Neptune Freedom Filters to get rid of all those brainwashing agents the Feroxi are pumping into the water supply. You’ll want one for each faucet in your home, as well as one for your toilet. You don’t want to turn into a Feroxi Manchurian candidate when the water splashes up on your behind, after all. The Ned Neptune Freedom Filters are a great deal, just 30 credits each. Absolutely worth it to protect your family. Next, pick up a Primo Preparedness Package. That'll include six months worth of dehydrated water, a stash of gourmet Nutrition Bricks, and our patented Panic Pocket Dimension! Just rip off the package, toss the ring on the ground, and watch the portal open. Hop on through, zip spacetime shut behind you, and there you are, safe in your own mini-dimension, unreachable by the Feroxi hordes and their paid professional terrorist thugs. And don’t forget Ned’s Vital Virile Vitamin Supplements package. Once every Alliance city collapses into flaming ruins and the galaxy cluster becomes a lawless no-man’s land, it’ll be more important than ever to maintain your health and well-being. Not to mention, Vital Virile Vitamins will give you so much energy that you didn’t even know you had - in bed, on the floor, on the ceiling, in deep space, between dimensions… wherever you happen to exist at any given time! All of these absolutely essential tools just so happen to be on sale right now through the Nescient Ned Neptune catalog.
Elroy: Very lucky for us and our listeners, with the way things are heating up out there. Alright, thanks for joining us.
Ned: Any time. You guys are great.
[Transition music]
Kay: Alright everyone, check your Model Prime-23 Infinity Smart Watch because it’s TechTime, where we take you through the latest technological trends sweeping Alliance space!
Elroy: What’s in? What’s out? What’s lost in some kind of bizarre liminal space between existence and void? What gadgets do you need to buy immediately to avoid becoming an obsolete, despairing husk of a person, left behind by the endless and inexorable forward march of progress, a useless pile of shit not even worthy to be scraped off the boots of Infinity Corporation President and CEO James Lange? …Find out now- on TechTime.
Kay: Today our feature is Omega Optics, the brand new designer eyes brand taking the Virgo Supercluster by storm. They may be available in over ten thousand different specific, custom iris colors, but they don’t just look snazzy. They’re also equipped with highly advanced scanning and analysis technology, enabling over 23x the amount of movements the normal eye is capable of, capturing a full 3d rendering of even partially-viewed objects, which are then identified and stored faithfully in memory. They can even apply overlays and applications directly to the visual field!
Elroy: Omega Optics are already revolutionizing one field after another! Athletes are lining up to get them installed, and leagues are being formed to separate both enhanced and inferior persons! Soldiers are hitting their targets far more consistently, with a projected efficiency increase in defense spending. And artists are using their new Omega Optics eyes to draw, paint, and sculpt faster and more skillfully than ever before! Even folks who felt, before, that they didn’t have a talent for art are finding that they can express themselves more freely with the advanced visual memory capabilities and instructive overlays of the Optics system.
Kay: We talked with some new Omega Optics Owners to see how they’re liking their newer, better eyes. *ahem* Rose Smith, age 42, accounts executive: “Thanks to these great new ocular implants, I’m able to read long balance sheets in a fraction of a second. I’m talking about extremely long balance sheets, comically long, like a cartoon character unrolling a scroll that falls to the ground and rolls away, still unspooling paper as it goes. In an instant I know all of those numbers, that are the balances of all of those accounts, and I’m able to make executive decisions accordingly.” Any comments, Bob?
Bob: Oh, absolutely, Kay. As an accounts executive, Ms. Smith will need to read many numbers attached to accounts, sometimes on extremely long balance sheets, and that’s a perfect use for an updated visual system. (Elroy and Kay nod seriously)
Elroy: Pierre Duval, age 32, artist, had this to say: “I was excited to use my new Omega Optics eyes to create extremely detailed paintings from memory. I went to Hagbard Park, near my house, admired the view of the lake in the sunset, then immediately went home to paint it. However, as soon as I got all my materials out and tried to access the visual memory, all I saw was a message: “Reproduction of this memory is prohibited by a copyright claim from The Infinity Corporation, FMSC.” What does that mean? Care to weigh in, Bob?
Bob: Of course. The park that Mr. Duval referenced is owned by The Infinity Corporation, so he will need to purchase the right to reproduce its image from the organization. Remembering the park is permitted as a courtesy, but the ocular implants are, of course, wired into the neurosystem via the visual cortex, and can detect when the user intends to reproduce a copyrighted image. The park real estate was expensive, so this is simply a way for the company to protect its investment.
Elroy: Right. Mr. Duval continues: “Frustrated, I then decided I would just paint a different landscape. I imagined a totally different lake, with different kinds of trees surrounding it, at midday instead of sunset. And once again, I got the same copyright restriction message, this time appearing where I would visualize my painting. How does that work? I wasn’t even trying to paint the park.” Bob?
Bob: It’s very simple, Elroy. Consciously or not, Mr. Duval was still thinking of Hagbard Park when he attempted to create his next painting, and consequently elements of that copyrighted image would have been reproduced in the image. For example, the lake may have had a specific color to it that caught his eye, or the clouds may have had an intriguing texture. As Hagbard Park is protected intellectual property, this would have been no different than copying a paragraph from a book and slipping it into your own novel - theft.
Kay: Of course - makes sense to me.
Elroy: Next we have - er, Mr. Duval again. He says “after that, I put down the brush and picked up a pencil. I tried to draw an entirely different scene altogether - a cityscape. And I got the same damn error message again. What gives?”
Bob: Nearly all of the buildings in the city nearest Mr. Duval are owned by the Infinity Corporation. The cityscape he was imagining was probably filled with our intellectual property. Look, the solution to this is very simple - do not steal. Reach out to our legal department and arrange to purchase the rights to use the imagery.
Kay: Finally, Charles Mocenigo, unemployed, 5 23, says "I can see through walls now, so that's pretty cool. And I can see birds flying around in the sky, and also squirrels really high up in the trees. Thanks Omega Optics."
Elroy: That's it for today's incredible iteration of TechTime and a wrap for our show. Thanks to Osmium Level Infinity Sales Acolyte Bob Dobbs and his fine mind for taking the time.
Bob: Any time and every time.
Kay: Don't forget to keep that third eye open and…
Elroy, Kay & Bob: STAY INFINITE!